Date Finished: 12 November 2000
Archive: Yes, by a link to http://darkpine.net/Eiluned/fanfic/je2.html and a note telling me where you're putting the link. :)
Disclaimer: Marvel, Marvel, Marvel. Yada, yada, yada.
Rating: PG
Categories: POV, Angst
Pairing: Logan/Jean, Scott/Jean
Summary: Jean ponders her relationships with Scott and Logan.
Warnings: none
Notes: Movieverse. Second in Jean Grey's Journal. The first entry can be found here: http://darkpine.net/Eiluned

Journal of Dr. Jean Grey
Entry 2

By the time I finally made it back to my room tonight, Scott was asleep. I closed the door as quietly as possible and stared at him. His visor was dark and his breathing was deep and regular.

Thank god. The last think I wanted to do was talk to him. If I had to say a word, I would surely betray the burning lust that's taking me over. I rubbed my eyes to fight away the tears and locked myself in the bathroom.

Usually, a confident, proud woman stares back at me from the mirror, but my reflection was pale, my cheeks stained with dried tears. I can't understand how my neat, ordered life could be turned upside down by an admission and a kiss. A single, life shattering kiss.

When Logan kissed me, I felt passion like I'd never experienced before. It burned through me, singeing every nerve. I felt as if I could come just from his kisses. I've never felt that way with Scott, not even when our relationship was new. When Scott kisses me, it's pleasant. Nice. When Logan kissed me, it was raw and feral, sheer animal lust tempered with...

...love?

I know that Logan loves me, but it didn't feel one sided. I could feel love pouring out of myself. This revelation shocked me. How could I have fallen in love with Logan? I'm supposed to think only of Scott. He's my fiancé, I love him...

But what kind of love is it? If I love Scott and I love Logan, why does it feel so different?

I stared at the tile wall for a long time, thinking. Being with Scott is comfortable, like an old sweatshirt fresh from the dryer. I enjoy being with him, but I don't feel overwhelming emotion around him. I feel at ease.

Logan makes me uneasy, but in a good way. A 'send shivers down your spine' way. I've caught him staring at me intensely, as if he could see through all of the bullshit shields I throw up around myself. I wonder if I want to feel at ease anymore.

Everything was going well until Logan swaggered into my life.

I freely admit that I'm attracted to him. He appeals to the deeply buried part of me that is attracted to bad boys. I don't want a dangerous man in my life, but I wonder if I need one.

Dangerous. Ha. Scott is dangerous, but in a different way. He's straight-laced, but one look without the visor and I'm dead. I've never even seen his eyes. I don't have any idea what color they are.

Is that what appeals to me about Logan? His eyes? They're dark and hooded, hiding god knows how many secrets. His eyes are just a part of it. Everything about him makes me want him.

I need to sleep.

End